Right now, I am in The Dip.

For example: I have the good fortune of not being materialistic, but still, rent and rice and beans (and coffee!) do come at a cost. Unlike Jesus, I am yet to find some wealthy women to front my ministry costs. Instead, I have a hodgepodge collection of churches, widow ladies, schoolteachers and business people (all of whom I thank God for daily) who each contribute toward my goal of paying my rent and eating regularly each month, but it is a work in progress. I am about 1/2 of the way toward having enough ongoing support to pay what it costs me to live now and almost 1/3 of the way toward what I need to support myself and actually get health insurance, both figures being less than I could make working full time as a stockboy at Harris Teeter.  Right now, I (mostly) make up the balance by doing some freelancing and some web design, but the more time I spend doing that, and marketing that, the less time I can spend, heaven forfend, actually doing ministry.

Or, take my recent announcement about our little discipleship gathering we want to do with the homeless and poor people we work with. I have had a lot of interest in it, and a lot of suggestions about how to do it, and a lot of people want to be notified when we get it going (all of which, by the way, I am excited as can be about, seriously), but the work of putting it together, the sorting it out, the finding a venue (we really, really need a venue – see this post for details) is pretty much on my shoulders. Meanwhile, I am helping drunks go to rehab, sitting at food pantries to get groceries for shut-ins, getting emails calling me a heretic and all the time trying to complete a freelance project I really need to finish because rent is due next week.

The recent project we put together for the Fourth of July was beautiful and inspiring. I just received an email from a charity downtown (which will go unnamed) who wanted to know if “my organization” would be throwing another party on Thanksgiving or Christmas, so they would know if they could take the day off, or if they had to feed people that day. This organization is world-wide, has paid staff and a HUGE list of volunteers and contributors. I have trouble paying my cellphone bill each month.

Please do not misread me; I am delighted to be here, and I love the work, and it is good work and it is work that very few other people want to do and it is work that needs to be done and should be done. And not all the stress is financial. In fact, most of it is not. It is just the stress of being on the cusp of really succeeding and not seeing how in heaven it is going to happen.

I know God wants me doing this. I know this is worthwhile. I know it is showing fruit. I feel like this discipleship group could be the tipping point for our ministry to the poor and homeless. I can see huge potential just around the corner and I get so excited I can hardly stand it and I want to shout… and then reality returns and I realize my cellphone bill is due, that rattle in my chest has still not went away, there is another week to go before the next round of pledged support checks come in and I have over 100 emails to answer.

The good news is that if I lean into this dip and push on, I will get through this, and things will take off and I can get about my real business of building the Kingdom of God and quit building websites and selling my plasma in order to eat and pay the rent. I believe it, I can see it – shoot, I can feel it. It is right… there.

Meanwhile, I will not quit and I am not giving up and I truly covet your prayers. I will get through this. Right now, though, I am sitting in my dip, feeling very tired and very alone.