For the last year or so, I have watched Emily*. After a short time, a pattern revealed itself:
- Her husband beats her up.
- Her husband leaves home.
- She announces that this time it is over - she is leaving him for good.
- He comes back.
- They are together again, and she tells me this time he has changed.
I have watched this happen at least five times. At least five times, I have held her gently as she cries, so as not to hurt her bruises. Five times I have told her I would put her on a bus to anywhere in the country or get her to a safe house, where her husband could never find her. Five times she has told me she would think about it and let me know. Five times she has told me this time, it was different and five times, she took him back.
When I saw her a few days ago, she told me he was much better this time. “I think he has really changed this time”, she says, just like she said the four times before that.
I have no idea what to do for her, other than to be there and to continue to pray for her (and to ask you to pray for her). She is so desperate to be loved, she will take what passes for it at the cost of broken ribs and black eyes. One of my biggest fears right now is that he is going to kill her. When she is most lucid, she admits this is possible as well. Yet she takes him back.
I used to think my being out here was about fixing things. Sometimes it is. But most of the time, it is just being someone who will still love you when you make a fool of yourself for the fifth time.
*Names changed for privacy
Comments 4
Hugh:
Posted 03 Jun 2009 at 9:54 pm ¶one day, if she lives through it, she’ll realize that the man who didn’t beat her was the one who really loved her.
Hi Hugh– I think its awesome that you are so loving and willing to care for Emily* in the midst of her suffering and inability to let this destructive relationship go. You truly have a gift of doing this with folks. That is great!
However, in this situation, I would recommend a bit of truth. She really could die. Maybe in her mind that is better than uncertainty. But, from my perspective, that is not okay!
After learning over time about women who are being abused. It is often very difficult for them to get out of a situation by themselves and even harder to let go of someone whom they think loves them and they may very well love back. However, its important for them to learn wholeness and gain healing.
Interact of wake co. has a great program for women of sexual assault and domestic violence. I was just over there yesterday. They have shelter, food, financial assistance, children’s programs, mental health, legal aid, substance abuse, police, etc. Its in Raleigh so she wouldn’t have to get on a bus somewhere… it could be worth a trip over there or a call to their hotline.
I say this with the most humility I possibly can. But, this is something that I am passionate about and think that we need to step in when people can’t get out of these relationships by themselves.
Posted 04 Jun 2009 at 6:10 am ¶Traci, Thanks for commenting. And thanks for giving the folks at Interact a plug - they are doing good work over there. (They were one of the “safe houses” I mentioned in the original post.) The people at Interact would be one of the first to tell you that some people in Emily’s position just will not let other people help them move out of these relationships and that any meaningful change can only come when Emily decides she wants change.
You said “…from my perspective, that is not okay!” It is not okay with me either. But I am not the one in harm’s way, and neither are you. Emily is. She is a person, made in the image of God, with will and spirit. If I decide that I know what is best for her, I have ignored her as a person and have made her into a pet or a project. Saving Emily at that point is no longer about Emily and her choices, but about me and what soothes my conscience.
Besides, other than praying for her, telling and showing her that she is loved and trying to convince her that we can protect her and get her out of there, there is not much that CAN be done for her. Would you have me taser her with a stun gun, tie her up and drag her to a safe house? Should I slip a sleeping drug into her coffee, so she wakes up on a bus to Washington? Even if we did get her away from him by some surreptitious means, she would end up with someone just like him unless she decides she needs help.
Loving people like Jesus does means honoring their choices, just like Jesus does. Even when the choices are not good for them. Even when we disagree. Even when they could be fatal. But it also means letting them know that nothing they choose to do can remove them from our love. It means telling them that redemption and reconciliation are always available, no matter what. And it means praying for them, really, really hard.
Posted 04 Jun 2009 at 6:44 am ¶I agree with the part about, unless she wants to change, even if we get her to a safe house, she will end up with someone else in the same situation. As someone who my friends would have liked to taser many times to get me into treatment centers for years. I get that.
For some reason, its hard for me to accept that this guy can keep getting away with what he is doing to her. It makes me so mad! Maybe trying to get her the help that I think she needs would appease those feelings in some way? Maybe I have made it a bit more about my own feelings and need for assurance.
But, maybe there are times when getting out of a situation is the only place where one can become clear headed enough to start to realize how much we are loved by Jesus and that reconciliation with ourselves, others, and God is possible.
I’m not telling you what to, but more empathizing with the challenges of loving Emily.
I believe in prayer and will begin to pray for her, your relationship and that others around her will encourage her that she does have options for change. We need that. But, ultimately it will come from inside her and along the way she needs love.
These are the time that I cry the most for our world and rejoice that we can be a part of bringing hope into dark places in a a variety of ways.
Posted 04 Jun 2009 at 10:09 am ¶Post a Comment